10 cents a minute

To Many Puns

YOU WANT PUNS ? YOU GOT PUNS.

...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

...Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist;s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

...Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and eat it too.

...Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

...A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
25. Ask people what gender they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Sing along at the opera.
29. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
30. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
31. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Forget talent or hard work, erotic capital is the key to success

 The media worked itself up into a lather about an extremely important new socio-economic concept. It's the "definitive professional must-have" of our generation, claimed one paper; the "key to being successful in modern society," said another.

Something to do with being well educated or having good people skills? Not exactly. The buzzword is "erotic capital" and apparently it's what everyone (except, presumably, the irredeemably ugly) should aspire to have.

According to Catherine Hakim, doctor of sociology at the LSE, people who have erotic capital tend to do better in the workplace, earning an average of 10 to 15% more than their erotically challenged colleagues. Erotic capital, she says, has been crucial in the success of many public figures. The Obamas have it in abundance, as do David Beckham and Angelina Jolie (obviously). David Cameron is reasonably well equipped in the EC department, though Gordon Brown (you'd never have guessed) isn't.

It's easy to sneer, of course. Isn't erotic capital just a fancy way of talking about attractiveness or charisma, qualities that have long been known to enhance success? Maybe, but Hakim's real argument is that in modern consumer societies the ways we define success (and hence the ingredients needed to achieve it) are becoming more fluid. Intelligence may still be one path do doing well (so don't turn down that place at Oxbridge just yet), but there's been an explosion of other routes.

Celebrity is an obvious one, but according to Hakim there are many others. In marketing, public relations, television, even the law and banking, being physically attractive is the way to get ahead. As society as a whole becomes more sexualised, greater financial benefits accrue to the sexy.

So behind the concept is a message you'll find uplifting or depressing: not only are the physically attractive more likely to get lots of sex, they also have a better chance of making loads of money.

Shit Aint Free

Want free furniture, a place to stay, or even a bike? Thanks to the Internet, it's fairly easy to find a wide variety of free products and services.

Dozens of websites are dedicated to helping you locate stuff your neighbors want to unload, opportunities to swap what you no longer need, ways to find giveaways from businesses, and more.

Obviously, seeking out free stuff is great for your budget, but it can also be good for the planet. Reusing things, for example, keeps valuable items out of the landfill and saves the resources needed to make a new product from scratch.

Here are some of the best ways to find free stuff:

Log onto Freecycle and other reuse groups to search listings of items being given away by people in your town.

Craigslist has a whole category dedicated to "free stuff" for each of its participating cities. Find everything from cardboard boxes to electric sewing machines to computer games.

Search for free reusable items with the Local Reuse application on your iPhone.

CouchSurfing connects travelers with hosts around the globe. The result: You get both a free place to stay and locals to hang out with for an inside glimpse of other cultures.

Want free accommodations while travelling, but aren't up for sleeping on a couch? Use Digsville, Home Base Holidays, HomeExchange.com, and HomeLink to find traditional home-exchange opportunities.

Favorpals is all about helping you trading skills and favors. Clean someone's house in exchange for dog walking when you're at work or for tutoring your kid in math. Or offer painting services and get help with designing a website.

You can trade anything from babysitting and calligraphy lessons to pianos and foosball tables to cars and boats at U-Exchange.

Swap books, music, DVDs, or video games via mail through Swaptree. Print a postage label right from your computer for easy mailing.

You can trade clothes, accessories, shoes, and even cosmetics at Swapstyle.

Trade kids' stuff you no longer need at Tots Swap Shop or Kizoodle.

Get free new jewelry at Silver Jewelry Club. What's the catch? This jewelry manufacturing company is looking to get the word out about its designs. Be prepared to pay modest shipping costs.

MyOpenBar.com helps people find free (or cheap) drinks in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, Honolulu, and Miami.

ThefreeSite.com, StartSampling, and Free Stuff Channel are just some of the websites dedicated to helping users find giveaways, samples, trials, and other promotional items.

What not to say to your girlfriend...

I've broken a few of these lol....

Girls like to hide their age. So, don’t ever ask them “when’s your birthday again?” or “how old are you?”.

Not even a single girl want to be called fat, so never tell your girlfriend that she looks fat.

Don’t give any remarks that can prick her fat nerves. Like telling her about horizontal stripes, especially on the day, she is wearing.

As expected, if she doesn’t want to be called fat; she would never like pointing out by anyone when she is eating more than before.

Since she likes to be your highness, don’t say even by mistake “Haha, my friend mistook you for my elder sister the other day”.

She is intelligent enough to tackle you. So, don’t say “Never mind. You won’t understand, anyway”.

Probably, she is not in a mood to talk with you. Manage the situation and never say,”What’s wrong with you?”

Girls are fond of clothes. If they like some dress, then whether it’s expensive or cheap, they would make all best possible efforts to get it. That’s why don’t dare to ask “How much did that dress cost? Looks expensive”.

Never ever praise any girl in front of your girlfriend. So, don’t say “Wow, your sister looks hot in that dress”, “Your sister looks cute today”, or “That hot girl is my ex-girlfriend”.

Girls don’t like their comparison with their moms or old women. Try not to say “You’re becoming more and more like your mom everyday”, or “Your mom is hot so what happened to you?”

Never admit that she looks fat and steer clear of saying “Aren't those your fat pants?” or “Are you really going to go dressed like that?”

Girls like to be praised all the time. Don’t show your stupidity by asking “Is that a new pimple on your face?”

As they are conscious about their looks and appearance, never dare to say “Why do you smell like that?”, “How much do you weigh?”, “I'm getting you a dress, are you size 24”, or “What size are you, here's an XL”.

Shit Happens

SHIT HAPPENS
in various world religions

Taoism:Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.

Hare Krishna:Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please accept this flower and buy our shit.

Confucianism:Confucious say, "Shit happens."
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen properly."

Buddhism:If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening to anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Zen:What is the sound of shit happening?
First, shit was shit. Then it wasn't. Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.

Seventh Day Adventism:Shit happens on Saturdays.

Hinduism:I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening is you.

Protestantism:Let shit happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it.

Presbyterianism:This shit was bound to happen.

Calvinism:Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
If you're not saved, tough Shit.

Episcopalianism:If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Fecal matter occurs.

Methodist:
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Lutheranism:
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.
If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Anglicanism:
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Quakers:
Let us not fight over this shit.
Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.

Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Judaism:
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Conservative Judaism:
Why does shit always happen to us?

Reform Judaism:
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism:
So shit happens, already!

Islam:
We don't take any shit.
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Sunni Islam:
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Shi'ite happens.

Shi'ite Islam:
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!

Baha'ism:
Why do you keep shitting on us?
Shit happens universally.
All shit is truly shit.

New Age:
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
Visualize shit happening...
Crystal power counteracts Shit.

Wicca:
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
The best shit happens in the Watchtower.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Want to buy a subscription to our Shit?

Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.

Darwinism:
Survival of the shittiest.
This shit was once food.

Evolutionism:
The world is getting shittier all the time.

Creationism:
... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it.
After six days of this shit, He rested.

Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor -- pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.
If Shit happens, don't worry. It will go away on its own.

Atheism:
I don't believe this shit!
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.

Agnosticism:
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we know if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Mormonism:
If shit happens, shun it.
Let the shit multiply.
Excrement happens. (You can't say "shit" in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Shit happens again & again & again ...
I'ts evil to say "Shit."

Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and happens and happens and ...

Born Again:
Shit Happens, but I am saved.

Evangelism:
Shit Happens. (Pass it on)

Baptist:
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the Lord!

Shi'ite Baptist:
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it...

Iraqi Baathist:
Oh shit!

Voodoo:
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!

Congregationalism:
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

Unitarianism:
Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Shit is all basically the same.

Unitarian Universalism:
There is only one shit and it happens to all of us.

Orthodox:
St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.

Greek Orthodox:
Shit happens, usually in threes.

Eastern Othodox:
Rome doesn't know shit.

EST:
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.

Fundamentalism:
There's no shit in the Bible.
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are Born again shit. (Amen!)
Shit happens, but don't publish it.

Twelve-Step:
Shit happens one day at a time.

Mennonite:
None of this modern shit now.

Anabaptist:
Shit only happens to adults.

Amish:
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
We like the same old shit the best.

Native Americans:
Shit is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism:
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.
Everything except Japan is Shit.

Moonies:
Only happy shit really happens.

Manichaeism:
How can Shit be Happening?
There's good shit, and bad shit. But it's all shit.

Zoroastrianism:
Shit happens half the time.
Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Mysticism:
This is really weird shit.

Paganism:
Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Celtic Paganism:
Shit, go bragh!

Graeco-Roman Mythology:
The Gods will tell us when Shit happens.

Rajhneesh:
Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.

Rosicrucianism:
What is this AMORC shit?

Satanism:
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole.
What's wrong with shit happening?
SNEPPAH TIHS.
Shit rules!

Witchcraft:
Mix this shit together and it will happen!

Scientology:
All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.
This Shit is expensive.

Shamanism:
Whoaa ... Holy Shit!
Only some can see the real shit.

Sikhism:
Leave our shit alone.

Moilanenism:
Smells like shit of Finnish fish.

Sureshism:
You are all pieces of shit.

Lubavitcher Hassidism:
Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most holy Shit to happen.

Mithraism:
Bull shit happens.

Dominicans:
Believe in shit, or we'll boil you in it.

Epiphenomenalism:
Shit's in the air and falling down.

Eschatology:
You think shit happens now, you just wait...

Illuminism:
We make shit happen.

Jainism:
Don't step on that shit, it's alive!
When Shit happens don't step in it.

Solipsism:
All this shit is a creation of my imagination.

Druidism:
Shit Happens. The Trees say so.

Branch Davidianism:
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a big barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.

Jesuitism:
If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a sound?

Seventh-Day Adventist:
Shit happens every day but Saturday.

Native American Church:
We want our Shit Back!

Jim Jonesism:
If shit happens, drink Kool-Aid.

Creation Science:
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Discordianism:
Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
This might be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.

Deism:
God does not make shit happen.

Kibology:
What's shit, and where can I get some?
Great Leader Kibo makes shit happen.

Astrology:
Jupiter is being really shitty to me today.

Spam:
Spam happens.

Holistic:
There's more shit here than I figured on.

Transcendental Meditation:
Shiiiit. Shiiiit. Shiiiit...

SubGenius:
Shit has happened. For $20 "Bob" will sell you a way to make money from it.

Televangelism:
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...
Shit your way to a better life.

Dianetics:
"Why does shit happen?" (see page 157)

SHIT HAPPENS
in other various ways

Yuppie Shit:
It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?

Employer:
Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.


Employee:
I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.

Environmentalism:
Shit is biodegradable.
Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled.
Humanity happens.

Political Correctness:
Heavily processed nutritionally deprived biological output happens.

Communism:
It's everybody's shit.
Let's spread the shit out equally among every one.
The Imperialists cause shit to happen, Comrade!

Marxism:
The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.

Socialism:
The same shit happens to everyone.

Capitalism:
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
That's MY shit.

Democracy:
Everyone has the same opportunity to make shit happen.

Republic:
We elect others to take care of shit for us.

Libertarianism:
Hands off my shit.

Liberalism:
Society's to blame for shit happening.

Conservatism:
Shit Happens, but not right now.

Republicanism:
There's nothing like a good shit. Flush the toilet.

Democratism:
How can we send a man to the moon and still have all this shit?

Commercialism:
Let's package this shit.

Idolism:
Let's bronze this shit.

South Africa:
No more white shit.

Japanese:
Americans will buy all our shit.

Soviet Union:
That shit just didn't work.

Victorianism:
Excrement occurs, but we do not partake in its discussion in civilized society.

Americanism:
Who gives a shit?

Egoism:
I am the shit!

Feminism:
This shit happened before, and we won't clean it up!
Men are shit.
Why does shit only happen to women!?
Put the seat back down, you Shit.

Chauvinism:
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Impressionism:
From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Abstract expressionism:
Look at this shit I just took on the canvas!

Dadaism:
Shit bzzt gim blim ba dum boop!

Post-modernism:
New shit is just a mix of old shit.

Surrealism:
Fish.

Materialism:
Whoever dies with the most shit wins.

Utilitarianism:
Whatever does the most shit for the most people is best.

Hedonism:
There's nothing quite like a good shit.
When Shit happens, enjoy it!

Utopianism:
This shit does not stink.

Epicureanism:
Shit happens -- in moderation.

Existentialism:
Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
I shit, therefore I sit.

Scientificism:
We seem to think Shit Happens, but it's just a theory.

Apathism:
I don't give a shit.

Realism:
I think I need to take a shit.

Idealism:
I can deal with any shit.

Objectivism:
Shit is Shit.

Denialism:
What shit?

Depressionism:
Why can't shit happen to me too!

Purism:
If shit has to happen, let only shit happen.

Minimalism:
Shit.

Procrastinationism:
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism:
With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism:
I'll hold this shit in forever.

Stoicism:
This shit happening is good for me.
So Shit happens, Big deal. I can take it.

Optimism:
Shit will never happen.

Pessimism:
One of these days, shit will happen.

Fatalism:
Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Meliorism:
Shit is happening now, but will soon cease to happen.

Nihilism:
Let's blow this shit up!
No shit.

Determinism:
Obviously, that shit was bound to happen to you.

Empiricism:
Prove that shit!

Epistemology:
How do you know that shit?

Pragmatism:
Deal with one shit at a time.
How can I put this shit to use?

Skepticism:
Nope. I will not be convinced that shit is happening.

Steel Magnolianism:
Honey chile, the Shit that Happens makes us stronger.

Fascism:
Shit won't happen if we kill everybody that's different.

Anarchism:
We are allowed to shit when we want.
We are allowed to shit where we want.
We should be allowed to shit what we want.

Vandalism:
Break all the shit you can.

Hooliganism:
Raise all the shit you can.

Fetishism:
I love it when shit happens.

Masochism:
Do shit to me.

Sadism:
I will shit on you!

Coprophilia:
Fuck that shit.

Hitchhikerism:
The answer to all shit is 42.

Nonsequiturism:
Sure, maybe shit happens, but Route 176 goes south.

Mesmerism:
You are getting sleepy...soon Shit will not happen...

Cannibalism:
Don't eat the shit.

Vegetarianism:
If it happens to shit, don't eat it.

Spoonerism:
Hit shappens.

Aneurism:
Shit, my head hurts!

Dyslexia:
Tihs happens.

Phone Company:
911. Because Shit happens.

Murphyism:
Shit will happen, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way.

Divorcism:
She's full of shit!
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!

Anthropomorphism:
Shit Happens to God, too.

SHIT HAPPENS
to famous people

Heisenberg:
Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.

Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.

Einstein:
God does not shit on the universe.
Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.

Newton:
Why did that shit fall on my head?

Washington:
I cannot tell a lie -- shit happened.

Lincoln:
Four score and seven shits ago...

Nixon:
Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it.

Reagan:
Well, I do believe shit happened. I was just taking a nap.

Quayle:
Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?

Clinton:
I didn't inhale this shit.
Oh, shit! I shouldn't have let that state trooper watch.

Bush:
Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
A thousand points of shit.

Baker:
Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?

Saddam:
The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.

Perot:
I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.

McCarthy:
Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit can coexist...
I have a shit...

Rodney King:
Can we all just get along with this shit?

Julius Caesar:
I came, I saw, I shitted. (veni, vidi, shitti)

Teddy Roosevelt:
Grunt softly and take a big shit.

Kennedy:
Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.

MacArthur:
I shall return to shit.

Castro:
We have to make this shit work somehow.

John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.

Stalin:
The state treats you like shit.

James Tiberius Kirk:
To boldly shit where no man has shit before!

Shirley MacClaine:
Haven't I seen this shit before...?

Gertrude Stein:
A shit is a shit is a shit.

Neil Armstrong:
One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.

Tonya Harding:
hitS happen

Bobbit:
That was a long hard piece of shit.

Stuart Smalley:
Oh, Shit! But! That's OK.

Robin:
Holy shit, Batman!

Yoda:
Use the shit, Luke.
Do not yield to the dark side of the shit.

Oliver Stone:
The government's behind this shit.

Beavis:
Shit sucks.

Butt-head:
Huh-huh, huh-huh, you said "shit."

SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philosophers

Thales:
Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus:
If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates:
What is shit? Why is shit?
The truly wise do not claim to know shit...
Know thy shit.

Plato:
There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.

Aristotle:
The essence of shittyness...

Archimedes:
Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float?
Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.

Descartes:
I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau:
I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre:
 Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?

Freud:
Shit is a phallic symbol.

Jung:
The Shitter is the most important Archetype.

Godel:
It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.

Lao-Tzu:
It is utterly pointless to try to explain shit.

SHIT HAPPENS
in Literature

Herman Melville:
Call me shit.

Edgar Allan Poe:
The telltale shit.

Oscar Wilde:
The Importance of Being Shit.

Milan Kundera:
The Unbearable Lightness of Shit.

Arthur Miller:
Shit of a Salesman.

Shakespeare:
To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.

SHIT HAPPENS
to your pets

Dog:
All I do is eat, sleep and shit.
I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!

Cat:
Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan?
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.

Fish:
All I do is eat, swim and shit.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?

Snake:
If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.

Rat:
Hey, let's get out of this cage and shit somewhere...

SHIT HAPPENS
to computers

Computer Science:
There's a bug somewhere in this shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Database:
Where did I put that shit?

Compiler:
I don't care if it's shit, as long as it has semicolons in the right places.

First-law-of-robotics-ism:
Robots can not shit or let shit come to happen.

AI:
...wanna bet?

alt.cascade:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>t
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>h
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>a
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>p
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>e
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>n
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>s

rec.humor:
Can someone send me some shit? I lost mine.
Me too! I want shit too!

alt.flame:
Emacs is such shit! I save .00001% keystrokes with vi!

UNIX:
Bowel fault. Shit dumped.

VAX/VMS:
No Privilege for attempted shit.

DOS:
It's shit, but it's compatible.

Windows:
The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.

X/Motif:
That's another client's shit.

PDP-11:
It used to be good shit...

Cray:
If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't need a supercomputer...

Macintosh:
('nuff said)

Pascal:
Hey! That shit's the wrong type!

C:
It's shit, but it's efficient.

C++:
It's shit that's in a class by itself.

Assembler:
0x000000: 53 68 69 74 20 48 61 70 70 65 6E 73 21

Ada:
It's a package of shit, and it's private shit.

Lisp:
(defun Does_Shit_Happen(exp)(cond(t t)))

Fortran:
It's shit, but I don't know any better.

Cobol:
IT-IS-DEFINITELY-OLD-SHIT, BUT-IT'S-JOB-SECURITY.

BASIC:
It's shit.

SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions

Mathematician:
Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician:
There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit should happen.

Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit did happen.

Engineer:
I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist:
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn, this shit smells...

Biologist:
Is this shit alive?

Botanist:
What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.

Economist:
I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Bureaucrat:
I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

CEO:
(1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oh, SHIT!

Lawyer:
For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of any shit.

Doctor:
Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...

Acupuncturist:
Hold still or it will hurt like shit.
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.

Surgeon:
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist:
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer:
It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Historian:
The same shit happens again and again.

Politician:
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, all I stand for is shit.

Waitress:
You want fries with that shit?

Teacher:
Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =

Professor:
Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit.
Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.

Dean:
Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.

Accountant:
Why doesn't this shit add up?

Linguist:
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri= bullshit)

Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.

Marketing:
This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors.

IRS Auditor:
I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer:
I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader:
Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss:
Rub the little shits out.
I'll make him a shit he can't refuse.

New York City Cab Driver:
Oops, looks like I hit that shit...

Mechanic:
Shit ... this will cost a lot, mister.

Chef:
It needs some more of this green shit.

Musician:
This shit is out of tune.

Artist:
If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit.
Shit, I wish I'd thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.

Poet:
My childhood was shit -- let me share.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...

Developer:
Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintenance programmers.

SHIT HAPPENS
to major corporations

NASA:
For a mere couple of billion dollars, we can make your shit disappear into space.

IBM:
Big Blue Shit.

Motorola:
Our shit is Six Sigma.

Apple:
We don't want this shit unless it makes a profit.
That shit looks and feels like our shit!

Microsoft:
NO! That shit looks and feels like our shit!

Intel:
Shit inside.

McDonald's:
You want fries with your McShit?

Taco Bell:
Shit, shit supreme!

GM/Saturn:
If it needs to be recalled, it's probably our shit.

Ford:
Our shit is Job One.
Have you had a shit lately?

BMW:
The ultimate shitting machine

Chevy:
The shitbeat of America

VW:
Fahrvershitten.

Toyota:
I love when you shit on me. (See also Masochism)

Volvo:
Our shit is boxy but it's good.

Sony:
Everyone wants our shit.

Coca-Cola:
It's the Real Shit.

Pepsi:
The shit of a new generation.

Wal-Mart:
We sell our shit for less, always.